Sheik's Drunken Day
by Boethas
Summary: Sheik gets drunk...from milk. Link sets himself the task to find the runaway Sheik. Why? Just because. Extreme, wild, HUMOUR. Parody/AU. Mild violence, language and...other things.
1. Chappie 1

Sheik's Drunken Day

**Disclaimer**: All characters, places and names within this story belong to Nintendo (from their Legend of Zelda franchise). None of this belongs to me except the story.

**Warning: **AU (Alternate Universe), extreme OOC (Out Of Character), nasty…_bits_, utter nonsense, etc. Written under the influence of boredom, long, long ago. In a galaxy, far, far ….erm, wrong story.

**A/N:* **Commentary (i.e. crappy nonsense) by author (me- duh) is in **BOLD .**

**_       *-------_** Dotted lines hold conversations and actions NOT concerning the actual madness, er, plot. It's a sort of _backstage _OR _offstage, _whatever you wish to call it.

        * Insanity beyond. Beware.

*~*~*

Sheik and Link were in Lon Lon ranch enjoying the taste of Chateu Romani.  
  
"Hey Link what shall we do? I have lots of energy after drinking Chateu Romani," slurred Sheik.  
Link glanced at Sheik and saw the empty bottle, "Sheik! We just got that five seconds ago and you've finished it! You're drunk!"  
Sheik eyed Link , "Why are there two of you? Crap, Now I hafta fight doubles *hiccup*."  
Link sighed and got up, "C´mon lets get you to Hyrule Castle. Maybe Impa can do something for you...ACK! SHEIK! That was my new tunic!!" He glanced down at his stained tunic while Sheik cleaned his mouth with his sleeve.  
"This is sick," cried Link.  
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 **Ow! WHAT are you doing?? (author)**  
Link: Hey THAT was my new tunic so ATLEAST make Sheik NOT barf in this twisted story of yours!"  
***grumbling* Fine fine... *ting* there ya go, new tunic by magic now GET BACK IN THE STORY! **

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"Well atleast my tunic is clean," sighed Link.  
"Whaa....Ooooh Look! Malon is with da cOws...lets go," wobbled Sheik and staggered off towards Malon.  
"No! Wait! You come back here RIGHT NOW! Geaaarrrrrrrrr!!! Link stomped off towards Sheik but when he got there Sheik had Malon shrieking, slumped over his shoulder.  
"She...was being attacked by da cOws," blurred Sheik and vanished with a Deku Seed.  
Link cried out in despair, "Now where in Hyrule has he gone to??!?!"  
  
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**And so begins Link in his most dangerous quest ever to find the Drunken Sheik and save the psychotic Malon.**  
Link: This isn't a quest! It's madness I tell you! MADNESS!  
***claps hand over Link's mouth* Tune in next time and maybe this "QUEST" will continue *snickers***

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Anyway with Sheik having vanished Link willingly sets off to settle this madness...er.. Quest  
  
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Link: Pfft, ye, right, "willingly".  
***smacks Link on the head* Okay now YOU get out there before I make the Chickens attack you!**  
Link: oww...okay okay just don't make the chickens attack me....they freak me out...  
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"Talon did you know Sheik just kidnapped your daughter? You should send search parties out for them or something so I won't have to do all the work," commented Link calmly.  
Talon opened an eyelid and looked straight at Link, "wha, u wanna marry me gal? Ur just a boy. Com back 'ere when u grow uuup..." and nodded off to sleep.  
"Stupid shrooms..." mumbled Link. He went outside and looked heavenward. "Now how in Hyrule can I find them? I better hurry before Sheik does any damage." said Link to himself and ran out of Lon Lon Ranch and quickly hopped on Epona (** which, by the way was "suddenly" there outside waiting for Link**). Link galloped off towards Kakariko Village, Sheik's home, because he thought Sheik might have taken Malon home and Malon was so stupid she wouldn't do anything.  
  
Anyway, once in front of Kakariko Village, Link urged Epona on. Epona neighed and walked backwards. "Why can't you go in, stupid horse????"  
Epona neighed and backed away farther. Link, frustrated, kicked Epona. Epona shrieked and reared up sending Link flying to the ground.  
  
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Link: Why can't Epona get inside Kakariko for the Goddesses sake??

**I dunno. Don't ask me *throws Link back in the story***  
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Grumbling to himself Link clambered up the stairs preparing for the worst. When he was at the stop of the stairs Link flared his nostrils. The density of the smoke was unbelievable.  
  
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Link: Why are you snickering NOW???  
**Heh, you flared your nostrils *snickers***  
Link: SO??? How am I supposed to breathe in there?? Give me a gas mask or something or I'll quit this story of yours.  
**Ah, ah, you can't **  
Link: and why NOT?  
**BECAUSE **  
Link: because....?  
***sigh* you loopy head, I won't let you *flings Link back into the story* **  
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"Ow, that HURT!" cried Link rubbing his butt. He stood up and ran into the dense, black smoke waiting to see fire. Instead, the weird-punk-white-dude-that-always-sits-in front-of-the-tree was puffing on this gigantic cigar.  
"What the Ganon do you think you're doing??" gasped Link clutching his throat.  
The weird-punk-white-dude-that-always-sits-in front-of-the-tree looked up at Link.  
  
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**Come back soon to see this exciting quest of Link's **  
Link:: Get me outta here before I choke! I promise I'll stay in your story if we take a rest now!!  
***grins* You said it! takes Link out of Kakariko twisted story village**  
Link:: *gasping* thanks  
**No prob *throws Link inside a box* Hehehe, just incase.  
So will Link survive these haemorrhoids...er...smoke? Tune in next time into "Sheik's drunken Day" to see if our Hero survives**  
Link: HEY, I just realised WHY ISN'T MY NAME ON THAT TITLE???  
**Says Link inside a box *snickers* ..ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, just don't look at me like that. It scaaares me**

**--------------------------------------------------------**

"You! How long have you been smoking that cigar??" muffled Link.  
The pale guy looked up at him and said, "one week."  
Link thought about this and wondered how come he hadn't noticed before....  
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**cuz you're dumb**  
Link: shaddup!  
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"Well," started Link, his eyes watering, "have you seen a tall guy with a blonde mane carrying a ranch girl with red hair? They guy goes by the name of Sheik and the girl is Malon from Lon Lon Ranch.  
Pale Guy (PG b**heh heh/b**) puffed a bit more of his cigar, "yeas I have."  
"Where?" gasped Link, his breath getting thick with smoke.  
"I saw them galloping off towards Zora's Domain."  
"Thank you!" cried Link running away, not even bothering to figure out why they were going there.  
Once in Zora's Domain, Link talked to the Bean Guy. (BG **heh heh)**  
"Have you seen a tall guy with blonde hair wrapped like a mummy carrying a gril with red hair? _how many girls with red hair are there in Hyrule...Oh wait there's Anju...and that Honey girl...and_  
  
"A GRIL???" yelled the BG.  
"Oh sorry I meant girl."  
"Well, speak properly man!"  
"So have you..."  
"No."  
"Not even..."  
"No."  
"But I heard..."  
"No."  
"Screw you!" screamed Link and with a wave of his sword, BG's head flopped into the river. The river's sparkling blue water filled with darker blue tinge.  
  
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Link: His blood was blue????  
**Yeah well, it's not as if I have a choice. Ever tried hitting Honey and Darling? Theirs is also blue**  
Link: Huh...I gotta try that...  
**Yeah and while you're at it why don't you just get rid of the whole Cucco population?**  
Link: Okaaay, BAAACK to the story...  
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	2. Chap 2

Sheik's Drunken Day

**Disclaimer**: All characters, places and names within this story belong to Nintendo (from their Legend of Zelda franchise). None of this belongs to me except the story.

**Warning: **AU (Alternate Universe), extreme OOC (Out Of Character), nasty…_bits_, utter nonsense, etc. Written under the influence of boredom, long, long ago. In a galaxy, far, far ….erm, wrong story.

**A/N:* **Commentary (i.e. crappy nonsense) by author (me- duh) is in **BOLD .**

**_       *-------_** Dotted lines hold conversations and actions NOT concerning the actual madness, er, plot. It's a sort of _backstage _OR _offstage, _whatever you wish to call it.

        * Insanity beyond. Beware.

*~*~*

  
Link leapt over the Octoroks and squished the frogs on his way to Zora's Domain. He quickly played Zelda's lullaby and jumped into Zora's Domain. Once in Zora's Domain...  
  
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Link: alright you've said Zora's Domain three times already! Stop it!  
**Oh right and what else do you want me to do? Make the sun bigger???**  
Link: I think you should stop having so much alcohol...  
**Link…**  
Link: Don't look at me like that OW okay okay I'll shut up now...  
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Something blue flashed by Link and his breath caught as he saw the sleek Zora's dive gracefully into the icy waters.  
"Come on in!" cried Ruto waving at Link from a platform above, "we just flushed the water this morning!"  
Link made a face and , ignoring Ruto, walked past her to King Zora's Chamber. A fish (that very well may have been a whale instead of a fish), fat enough to cover the entrance behind him, sat staring stupidly at nothing.  
"Er....King Zora...It's me Link."  
King Zora stared dully at Link and said, "Go away. Sheik and Malon want to be alone."  
"What, where are they??" cried Link, his patience breaking.  
"They're behind me but I'll only move if you dance like a monkey and squeal like a pig three times."  
"Please be kidding..."

Link stared at King Zora but refusing to do the Goron dance (dance like a monkey and squeal like a pig) he took out a fire arrow and aimed it at King Zora.  
"What-what are you doing?!?!" yelled King Zora.  
Link smirked and was about to let go of the string when Ruto came dashing inside her fins waving all over the place.  
"Stop! In the name of Jabu-Jabu, STOP!" she cried.  
"I don't want to stop in the name of Jabu Jabfins," said Link.  
"If you stop I'll go out with you forever!" once more cried the desperate princess.  
"Don't you realise that if I kill your father you'll be the queen?"  
"Yes but I love my father."  
"Too bad for you," said Link once more preparing the arrow.  
Suddenly a wave of Zora's ran into the King's chamber. There were so many Link couldn't move or he'd be punched by these fish people. (**??**)  
  
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Link: Now what am I supposed to do.  
**I don't know. Surprise me. You're the one in the story. I'm just making up everyone else**  
Link: Damn you!  
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Link, suddenly getting a bright idea from...Ruto's head...yeah.. strung five fire arrows at once and shot the nearest Zora's instantly making them into sushi.  
Then he used Din's fire instantly killing all the Zora's (well turning them into sushi) except King Zora and Ruto whom were on higher platforms.  
"Alright I have had enough and I'm going to kill ANYONE I see in my way now so this story ends and.... Hey what the?!?…  
  
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**Listen YOU *grabbing Link by the shirt* I'm trying to do everything as hard for you as possible so this story is LONG...GOT THAT??**  
Link: y-y-yes  
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(visibly shaken **heh heh)** Link walks calmly up to King Zora and says, "if you don't move I will move you by force."  
"If you find my daughter Ruto I will move."  
"But she's NEXT to you!"  
"I can't turn my head because I don't have a neck. She's NOT next to me!"  
Link made a desperate face at Ruto, "Please Ruto , tell him you're here."  
"Only if you give me a kiss," smirked Ruto.  
"What the!"

Link walked up to Ruto and stepped on her foot.  
"OUCH!" screamed Ruto and she fell into the water.....blood coming out of her foot and her veins popping out. (**Hey, I want to make this dramatic)**  
  
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**OH MY GOD! I have to…GO! Yeah…**

Link: What the! I'm not going to leave Ruto bleeding in the water....*gets hit by a shoe*  
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"There's your princess!" cried Link pointing at the shrivelling Ruto floating in the water in front of King Sushi. King Zora turned green. "Oh My Jabu-Jabu!" he managed to spit out as he trembled with mixed feelings, "You've rid me of that annoying brat-daughter!" King Zora turned a beaming face towards Link. "Now what did you want? Anything to thank you!"  
Link eyed King Zora then said, "Actually I forgot. I better get moving. Anyhoo, you're welcome!" Link skipped outside into the pouring sunshine. He squinted upwards and blinked at the sun. _Now where is Sheik? He shouldn't be drunk now..._  
Suddenly, Link heard a sob next to him. He looked down and saw Malon half-clothed flopped on the ground sobbing. Link gasped and knelt beside Malon and gently touched her shoulder. Malon jerked and looked up at Link with glassy eyes, "Sheik!" she shrieked but seeing Link started wailing again.  
"Dear Goddesses, did Sheik rape you?" asked Link.  
Malon looked up at Link through her tear streamed face and clung to him. "NO! He didn't!!! I so wanted him to but he got freaked out by my Cow-Smelling Perfume™!! One sniff of that and he suddenly wasn't drunk anymore!! So he RAN AWAY!!" She screeched the last part clinging to Link savagely.  
Link gasped (ignoring Malon), "He's not drunk anymore! Where is he?!"  
Malon stopped crying abruptly and looked at Link. "You know....In the daylight you are more hot than Sheik."  
Link stared at Malon with foreboding. "Dejá vú," he muttered and desperately tried to get Malon's strong hands off him. Link...  
  
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Link: This is just SO disgusting! Please let me kill her! wtf?? WHERE'D MY SWORD GO?!?!?  
**Um yeah, it kinda disappeared...somewhere…**

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...stood up trying to get away from Malon but she flung herself at him and threw him on the ground. As she pressed her lips to Link's he struggled but to no avail. Malon broke off the kiss and Link gasped for air. "I'm going to puke!" he cried. With one last effort he pushed Malon. Malon lost her balance and fell into the river behind her. Link watched with satisfaction as she was dragged away by the current and her screams were drowned. Link fixed his hat and walked away whistling.   
"Now to find Sheik."

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**Wait, before you move any further Link…**  
Link: Yeah...?  
**I don't think anyone wants to read this anymore **  
Link: Thank the Goddesses for that!  
**You idiot! *smacks Link on the head* I earn money....well audience with this story! Now you do something to win the crowd back or....or...YOU DIE points plastic knife at Link's throat**  
Link: Damn you, DAMN YOU!  
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End file.
